My Only Deal Breaker

I’ve gotta get this off of my chest and out in the open.  I know I talked about deal breakers the other day, and I listed a whole bunch of things about me that you may not like.  You know, personal characteristics that may someday ruin or at least create distance in a friendship between us.  You may have noticed that I did not list my set of deal breakers; the intolerable habits of others that would eventually force me to stop returning your phone calls.

ASIDE:  As a habit, I don’t generally answer my phone.  I mean, sometimes I do.  Sometimes I screen.  But most of the time, I just think, “meh, I’ll get back to that eventually, when I’m done with this very important thing I’m doing just now,” which could be any activity from brushing my teeth to hunting down tomato worms, or even clipping my toenails.  So just because I don’t return your phone call (which I’m trying to get better at, since it’s a socially accepted thing to do) doesn’t mean that we’re not friends anymore.  It’s just that sometimes a lot of the time, I like to be unreachable.  I coulda done the whole Laura Ingalls thing, fo sho.  I was made for prairie life.

Anyhow, I didn’t make my list because (1) I don’t like to be negative, especially in print, (2) I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, and if you thought we were going to be friends, but then you saw that you did something on my list, you might get sad, and (3) I’m a pretty flexible and accommodating person.  One could argue that I’m just lonely and as a result have dropped my standards dangerously low, but I like to think of it as being open-minded.  I like to imagine/find the best in people. 

You all (“y’all” still feels weird in my mouth) know how much I like terrible-for-your-body-but-heaven-in-your-mouth food, and so you may think that I don’t get along with health/organic nuts.  You’d be wrong.  I have friends who do the whole “I only eat it if a cave man could have” diets.  I’m not a real girly-girl, and you may think I’m put off by that type too; wrong, again.  I’ve got some princess friends who push the girly to the max, and we can shop together.  Truth be told, I pretty much run the gamut with people I can/like to get along with.

There is one thing, one deal breaker I have, though.  Please take a moment, and open your heart to this, it may be revolutionary; you may be shocked and shaken.  There is one habit which, if you do it and we spend any more than a marginal amount of time together, I’ll want to throat punch you.

ASIDE: I’ve never been in a fight, and I always wanted to be.  I can’t explain this, I don’t enjoy getting hurt or (as mentioned above) or hurting others, or even making people upset.  But I always wanted to know if I could defend myself, and land a really good punch.  There just seems to be something so satisfying about it, although I’m pretty sure its all a lot different than I imagine.  I’ve also always wanted to sneak out of the house (sort of lost that opportunity), get arrested (but not really the whole “permanent record” part of it) and have a tattoo.  FTR.

I wouldn’t throat punch you (which is a common threat I use with my dog; I wouldn’t hurt him either), but there’d be a small part of me that would want to.  I know this for a fact, because in the past, I’ve worked with a few people who do this, and I wanted to slap every last one of them. 

What is this terrible trait, you ask?  What can turn me from an accepting person into a maniac?

Whispering

Ohmygoodness, I loathe whisperers.  Mumblers, I can stand.  Loud talkers, heck, even close talkers (you know, the people who lean so close when they talk you get distracted by their uvula?) are tolerable to me.  But a whisperer, oh boy, I can’t abide it.  There was one woman once who talked like she was in a library ALL THE TIME.  I just wanted to shake her and demand she use her real voice.

This is Mariah Schuyler, my niece.
She's also good natured and likes to pick people flowers.

What she does not like is whispering.
She doesn't know how to whisper.
I love her more than most things.

Now, that being said (and reading over it) I realize that I sound like a terrible person, perhaps, what with all of the violent claims and shaking and whatnot.  I know that this is about as irrational as my dislike for the bus driver who would say “Next stop, Ramana Inn”.  I had a hard time remembering that Jesus loves her just as much as He loves me.  (RAMADA.  ‘D’.  Not ‘N’.  C’mon!)  But, all the same, I have a serious issue with whisperers. 

If I’ve offended you because you whisper, I’m sorry.  I hold nothing against you as a person.  Please, feel free to contact me via email or facebook or twitter or whatever method you need to use that is not your whispering whisper of a voice, and we can have a long and abiding friendship. 

Like I said, I can get over/accommodate/deal with most things.  But please don’t whisper to me unless conditions demand it.  You don’t have to use your outside voice if we’re at a memorial service, but if we’re at a park, by ourselves, and I’m talking normally, pleasepleasepleaseohplease, don’t whisper the entire time.  I’ll knock you out.

Getting reported for VTW (violence towards whisperers),

TFW