Friends are Hard

Maybe it has nothing to do with age.  Maybe it has nothing to do with what you do for your days.  Maybe it was just as hard when you were attending school.  I don't know.  I have a terrible memory.  I only recently remembered the other day that I'd once gone to an indoor water park.  I think I had a fun time.  That's all I know.  So maybe it was hard for me to make friends when I was a kid/adolescent/teenager.  I don't remember.  But now?  As an adult?

Oh-So-Hard.

Gawsh.  I never knew that it would be hard.  But it is!

You meet a new person.  They casually throw out an obscure joke whose reference you get a few minutes later and you think "Hey.  That was clever.  And funny.  I get them.  Maybe they'd get me.  Maybe we could be friends..."  Or maybe it casually comes up that they also L.I.V.E live for Mexican food.  "Surely," you think, "friendships have been built on less."  It even might be a *gulp* set-up.  You know.  The "Hey, I think you should really meet my friend Red." which leads to "Haaaaave you met Red?"

HIMYM?  Anyone?  Anybody pick up on that slightly obscure reference to How I Met Your Mother?  Did you think it was funny?  Do you want to be my friend?

Because here's the thing.  Those "casual" drops in the conversation are likely the opposite of casual.  They're the adult equivalent of showing someone your stickers at recess, hoping that they, too have stickers, or wish that they had stickers, or at the very least can appreciate a good sticker.

Sadly, a lot of the time, it seems that no one has the same affinity for stickers that I do.  Or Mexican food.  Or New Girl.  Or wants to talk about ruffler foots or cloth diapering or how we should really come up with a better name for "juice bags".

This dance, this get-to-know-ya, is so tricky.  It feels like dating.  Or what I imagine dating-as-an-adult to be like.  hashtag: ibetdatingishard. hashtag: highschoolsweetheartsFTW.  You wonder, should I facebook her immediately, or does that seem too desperate?  She accepted my "friend" request, does that mean she really wants to be my friend?  Or does she accept all friend requests?  And then you have some friend of yours "de-friend" you and then try and "friend" her so that you can see if she's an auto-friender without throwing her off with the "You have 1 mutual friend" teaser.

Its a science.

If you do finally get to hang out on purpose, you find yourself all sweaty-palmed and lining up conversation topics in your head in case there's a lull.  You can't have a lull.  You're pretty sure you really like this person and someday they might be your "hey, lets take our families on vacations together" friend.  You'd really like a friend like that.  So you smile way too big and you shake your head at how cool your new friend is and you wonder if they're going to call you to hang out again or if you blew it or maybe they already have enough friends and perhaps you should have saved the friendship bracelets for your 1 month anniversary.

Here's how you do it, though.  Its what I've learned, the hard way.  And this *might* sound a lot like the advice your mom gave you when you were 8, but your mom was right, and she probably only had such good advice because she was currently using it in search for her own bestie.

• Be.Yo.Self.  And if you aren't a person who says "Be. Yo. Self" then for the love, don't say that when you have lunch.  Don't.  Unless you are that person, in which case, let it roll.  This is your time, your opportunity to find a friend who likes you for you.  So be you, not the version of you that you think they want you to be.  And if you followed that, congrats.  But seriously, I find myself falling into this waaay more than I'd like.  I mimic.  And truthfully, I don't want to be friends with someone who I have to act like all of the time.  So wear your sweatpants, order a 12-inch sub, and defend your paint-by-numbers if you have to.  Just be you.  Unless you're unfriendly.  Then be you, but friendly.  See #3.
• Go to lunch.  Everyone (with the exception of my FIL and Ghandi) eats lunch.  If its easier, go in a small group.  Don't go in a big group.  Waitresses hate that, and the line at Jimmy Johns takes too long if there are 38 of you.  But grab a few other people, and go.
• Be friendly.  Listen to other people.  Use your manners.  Laugh, if they're funny, and do the whole smile-without-showing-your-teeth thing if they're not.  Recognize, at least to yourself, that first dates are always kind of awkward, and this is most definitely a first date.  So allow them to be a little less than their best self, and allow yourself to be a little "off" as well.
• Take a risk.  Putting yourself out there is risky, there's no doubt about it.  Kind of reminds me of the #RiskRejection group we've got going on.  But there is reward to be gained when risks are taken.  That chick with the great shoes who you talk to every morning on the subway?  Ask her to lunch.  Or coffee.  Or something that is closer to friendship that the 7 minute conversation you replay every day.  Take a risk, and see how it goes.  You might fall.  You might get rejected.  You might have to find a new seat on the subway.  But you might find a great friend.  And great friends make the world go 'round.

I'm still learning this.  Those suggestions up there, they're all well and good if you have somebody in mind.  But it wasn't too long ago, I felt quite friendless, with no one in mind.  So if that's you, you could do what I did, and pray for friends.  God knows your heart.  He knows when you're lonely, and when you only think you're lonely.  He'll bring you friends.  And when He does, don't be surprised if they love stickers just as much as you do!

Has anybody else noticed how much like dating this whole "finding friends" thing is?

<3 M.