Goodbye Babyhood

I have a bhsthaldkjfaldkjfbalkshfuiewoeylkdklalalalala.

Ahem.  Let me try again.  

I really need to *say* this outloud.  It's part of the coping.

I have a ...toddler.

Bah!  It's not true.  It can't be true.  I really thought that my bambina was still a bitty baby, but she's not.  She went ahead and done did proved it by taking some halting steps on her first day as a 1-year-old.  Today (her 2nd day as a 1yo) she took 6 in a row.  Twice.  That, my friends, is what we call walking.

Except she's not very good at it, so as she attempts to walk she... *wait for it* ... toddles.  She is one who toddles.  She is a toddler.

I quit.

I mean...

I'd like the days to stop, please.  I'd like to capture this moment right here, and not change.  I want her to continue to see bedhead every. dang. time. she wakes up from her nap.  I want those other teeth to never grow in, and the ones she has to never straighten, because that gap-y smile is the most darling smile I know.  I want to be impressed at the way she inhales 5 meatballs and then snacks on fruit until her innie belly button pops out.  I want every 6 consecutive steps to end with her flinging herself into my arms, sure that I will catch her and kiss her and tell her she's fabulous for being so brave.

I want my baby for always.  

I'm not saying that I'd like to re-start Riley Girl, to have a 2-day old on my hands this very moment.  To be honest, those first three eight 14 weeks were rough for me.  Although she was pretty awesome, I'm not very good with sleep deprivation - it's a scientific fact.  But I feel the babyness slipping away and although it's futile and silly and would mean not-so-great things developmentally for Riley, I want to grasp it.  To grab a hold of right now and not watch it go.  I don't want this to change.

But it will.  It is.  It has.  Even today, my bitty baby of a toddler grabbed her book, scootched over to me, threw it down beside us and then backed into my lap to sit down.  She's never done that before.  And after I read the book, she said "Agah!"  So I read it again.  And she yelled "Agah!" again.  And we repeated, while I fought back tears because babies don't schootch into laps and ask for what they want with language - toddlers do that.  We turned on some music, and she started dancing.  And not just her patented shoulder roll/chin bob/belly bounce.  I mean there was some fan say footwork going on.  I've never seen that before, her picking her feet up and down like someone is shooting at them and telling her to dance.  

It's already gone, my first baby's babyhood.  She's a toddler, and that's the truth.  I know that the wise mama, the seasoned mama, the mama I want to be, would accept this truth with grace.  That she would acknowledge the loss of her baby's baby-ness and look forward with anticipation to what tomorrow will bring.  Handsome & I know that our main goal is to raise our daughter to not need us; to be independent.  Toddlerhood is a step in the right direction.  I know that.  And I choose to gracefully accept that.

It just makes me cry.

It doesn't help that (a) I ate Cadbury solid milk chocolate eggs for dinner, (b) RG decided that nursing is for chumps babies, and that yesterday morning would be her last time nursing ever, and so I have weird hormones to deal with right now on top of tons of feelings, and (c) my family has abandoned me, as is always the case when visits are done.  There's a lot, to say the least.  Overall, I am so glad for this year we've had.  I am blessed beyond belief by this baby girl who has my heart but not my nose!

Looking back over it, we really had such an easy time, with the sleeping and the nursing and the feeding and the growing and the moving and the learning.  All of it, she soared through without too many hiccups.  I am so, so grateful.  And also crying.  But that's mothering, right?

<3 M.