The 7 Stages of Wanting :: Baptist-Raised Edition

A friend told me once about her friend who, on the day of her wedding, kept exclaiming "How am I even supposed to feel right now!?!"  I'm feeling that.  Whatever it is.  Whatever the feeling is when you've got excitement and hope and expectation and a lack of courage and nervousness and fight-or-flight and fear and a tinge of apathy.  All of the feelings.  A great & many feelings, if you will.  

There's nothing big going on, but Handsome and I keep having conversations about what we're going to do in the future, when I graduate, when there seems like there should be a job.  Which job?  Any job?  No job?  Job up home?  Job in a new place?  Job with a guy named Job?  <Did that happen to anyone else while reading that?  The word "job" started to look like the guy named "Job"?>

There's all of these questions and I WANT.  I want an answer.  I want to know.  I want to be let in on the secret that is the rest of my life.  Gah, I just want to know the next big step.  I keep looking at Handsome, as we have these conversations, and asking him if everyone else feels like this at this stage of life.  Does anyone anywhere feel settled?  I want to feel settled.  He says everyone else is just as unsettled as we are, and that he's done talking about any of it and we're finished having this same conversation over and over and I have to finish my PhD but then he just. doesn't. care.  He wants some radio silence on this one.  

In case you haven't been around for any of my quarterly life crises in the past, here's the boiled down, maple syrup version.  In first place, for choices of "what to do with our lives in the future" we'd like to move back around family, and have jobs.  That last part is really the kicker.  In second place, we'd like to live where we are, let Handsome retire at 50, enjoy the southern life, raise cows on our friend's farm, and me have a job, too.  Again, the job thing.  Bah.  In a very very very far removed third choice, I would get a job and we'd move somewhere new and start over again.  Like, not even something we'd like.  To compare it, we've got Andre the Giant in first place, Michael Jordan in second place, and the King of Munchkin Land in third.

Today I heard a whisper about a maybe possible might-happen-but-might-not next step, and it made my heart leap and my hands get sweaty.  I think I want it.  And then I descended into the 7 Stages of Wanting.

Stage 1-  Attraction.  This involves no thinking.  It's a gut reaction.  It's the reason I've bought waaaay too many bags of Cadbury Mini Eggs.  See/hear > want > take.  Toddlers do this all the time; they don't get past this stage. But we're bigger than toddlers, so we get more stages.  And more chocolate eggs.  Praise be.

Stage 2-  Prayer.  C'mon.  I was raised a good little Baptist.  As soon as you want something, you start praying about it.  Fervently.  Sans ceasing.  Like rapid fire on Heaven's door.  From my lips to God's ear.  Eventually, coherent prayers lapse into "PleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGodPlease".  Finished, as always, with a "if it's Your will."  This pronouncement is the springboard by which we launch ourselves into Stage 3.

Stage 3 - Doubt.  A.K.A. uncertainty, wavering, and motive exploration.  "Perhaps I want this because I'm selfish." was the first one, followed quickly by "This still might not be the thing that God has planned for me." If you're not careful, you can spiral down this staircase into all different types of doubting, ending you up at places like "Why was I born in the first place" and "What have I even done with my life".  This is the gateway doubt.  Next thing you know, you wonder if you're really even seeing colors correctly.  But I digress.  Stage 3 doubting is where you question if the thing you're wanting is even worth wanting, if it's right to want it.  But then you rally.  

Stage 4 - Affirmation.  You've been through the doubting stage, you've examined your motives and you know what?  They're sound.  They're not totally self-serving, although you do want the thing you want because it seems best to you.  And it makes your heart jump and your palms sweat.  And it's not contrary to any scripture and it is something you've been praying about and hoping for an answer to.  Mr. Thurman would approve, you know that much.  

Stage 5 - Rabidity.  You want, and you're sure its okay to want it.  And so now, you want it with a vengeance never seen before with the eyes of man.  You want it like crazy and you feel you must convey that to Omnipresent God with repeated prayers, thoughts, chatting, dreaming, pleading, bargaining, and begging.  Because otherwise, He wouldn't know how much you want it.  And if God doesn't know how much you want it, you might not get it.  

Stage 6 - Realization.  You realize quite a few things in Stage 6.  Things like the fact that God. already. knows.  He knows how much you want it.  He does.  And yes, He understands that you are excited and nervous and scared and apathetic (as a defense) and that you're feeling all of the feelings.  And you realize that no amount of wanting is going to make it so.  Yes, you should work towards it, but spending all of your energy on the wanting will leave you with precious little for the doing.  Finally, you realize that its not up to you.

Stage 7 - Release.  This stage has also been called "Remembering".  You remember that God's got it under control.  All of those burning questions you have, that uncertainty you're nurturing like a pet rabbit?  God has already seen the day when all of your questions are answered.  He goes before you.  So go ahead, have a bit of want, but don't make the thing you want into an idol by meditating on it and using all of your energy to achieve it.  Release it to go and be the little opportunity it was always meant to be.  At this point, you still pray about it, but that little ending you tacked on earlier, now you mean it.  "Your will be done" or the Southern version, "God willing and the creek don't rise."  That's the focus after Stage 7.  And there is peace.

Trust me, I've wanted many a thing.  Assuming I make it past Stage 1, I mostly hang out in Stage 5.  In my more lucid moments, I dabble with Stage 6.  I'd love to be in Stage 7; I fight towards that.  

Speaking of wanting.
RG wants to walk, but she's pretty much hanging out in Stage 1.
Such a toddler.

Good night, sweet friends.  One way to silence the wanting is to sleep it away, and that's my plan.  Perhaps in the morning, re-strengthened, I'll be better able to make my way towards Stage 7 - God willing.

<3 M.