Choosing Color

I don't know if you know this or not, but I've been working on some things lately.  Lots of things.  Its kind of a revolving door of things to work on, and some things jump in and some jump out and some keep going 'round and 'round.

Got it?

Anyhow, it started with the "Do what makes you come alive" post.  I felt those things then I wrote those things then I started to do more of what makes me come alive.  So I bought some candles, because apparently controlled flames and the scent of apple cider make me feel alive.  I walked in the woods more.  I made the food I wanted to eat, and I decided to want the food I could make.  I started reading The Barefoot Church Primer.  I made Handsome sometimes hold my hand.  All of these things, and more, I started consciously doing.  

And while that was a good change, I realized that I also needed to stop doing life-sucking things.  Like watching entire seasons of New Girl in one sitting.  Or answering every little "ding" from my phone the very moment it happens, even if my baby/husband/dog is trying to give me a kiss.  Or failing to eat lunch.  These things were not actions that made me feel more alive.  These fall into the "life-sucking" category. Because even though I think I want to do them in the moment, they turn into a series of choices that *zap!* takes the life right out of ya.

The changes, though, they just keep coming.  I know that there's a sort of reprogramming going on.  Which is probably a nerd thing to say, and I am not sorry for it.  Honestly, we've probably all got some sort of reprogramming going on all of the time.  The decisions we make, they either reinforce current habits or the begin new ones.  We are constantly becoming.

This is feeling heavy.  True, but heavy.

Really, I just got on here to say this: another change that I'm trying to make is to choose colorful things.  I tend towards neutral.  Heather Gray is my jam.  My homie.  My bestie-for-the-restie.  And white and black and more gray... always safe.  Heck, when I moved into my house, it was beige on beige with beige.  And then when I went wild and painted a room, I painted it gray.

Blah blah blah I have too much neutral stuff blah blah that doesn't represent the me I want to be blah blah blah blah blah I'm trying to choose colorful things.

Aren't you glad we've had this talk?  I'm branching out slowly, but deliberately.  I ordered some sweaters recently, and chose colors I wasn't sure about. And then, strangely enough, I kept them!  I mean, I kept a white one, too, but one of the sweaters was MUSTARD.  And I've never in my life worn mustard.  But its a color, and it turns out, I like it.

Sidenote: I don't like actual mustard.  So there's that.

On a related topic, going back to the beige on beige-i-ness of my home, I've got this wild idea to paint everything white.  I know Handsome thinks there are other things we should care about (something about heat retention and structural integrity...) but I have this overwhelming desire, particularly after peeping on Young House Love's kitchen reno, to paint. everything. white.  All of it.  And then, once that is done?  You guessed it!  Accent with color, baby, color!

And finally, on a not-really-but-slightly related note (re: white), I must confess that I used picmonkey's "whitening" tool on my teeth in the above photo.  Y'all are the only ones I've told.  If you see me in real life, please don't mention this, I'll feel all yellow-ed out in the moment,  by comparison, and I'll feel the need to start doing the closed-lip smile that I made famous in the 6th grade when I realized that not everyone could fit a straw in the gap between their two front teeth.  Yellow sweater: good.  Yellow teeth: not what I'm going for.  

Well.  That was a brain dump.  Thank you for sticking it out.  Tune in tomorrow when I go ga-ga for Thanksgiving meal planning and spontaneously invite you all!

<3 M.

Changing & Stirring

Something is stirring inside of me.

No, not the amount of queso I ate for dinner.  My stomach can totally handle that by now.

I'm talking in my heart.  My true innards.  Way down deep.

You all know this already, if you've been here for any amount of time.  It all started with a little bit of a soul dump here, and then moved on to something more defined here, rounding out with some reflection here.  Its been a process, to say the least.

Maybe I'm like a caterpillar.
I'm not really sure in what capacity.  Actually, I'm making all of that up.
I just wanted to show you this cool picture.

The cool thing about the way God is working in me right now is that its... subterranean.  I don't even know the actual definition of that word.  But what I mean it to mean is that its below the surface; not obvious, not loud, not even always identifiable.  But its there, and its constant.  God is working a change in my heart.  I say that here, written in black and white (beige?) because naming it gives it substance.  There is a part of me that so badly wants to give it complete form, to work out the ending to see where it is taking me, but this is not my job.

Make no mistake about it, God does not answer to me.  I don't know His plan, or even His reasons a lot of the time, but it doesn't matter.  I say, "God, I don't know where you're taking me!  I don't understand!" and God looks at me with love and compassion and shouts from heaven, "NUNYA."  As in, Nun'ya beeswax (code for: none of your business).

Since You've Been Gone

Hello darling dears.

Its the end of another work day, although there's still an entire one tomorrow.  Still, with this renewed appreciation I have for Fridays, I'm feeling pretty good.  This internship is supposed to be a learning experience, and boy, have I learned, and I kind of expected that; its the subject matter that has got me impressed.  I mean, I like variety and all, but this is impressive.  I've learned about bee-keeping  apiculture, the proper technique for turning during high-speed, downhill bicycle racing, the cartography of Idaho, and the formation of storm cells.  The company I'm working for claims to embrace diversity, and they are not liars.  I have had a few Office Space moments, especially with the copier.  Luckily, the stapler I've been assigned is just regular and will not incite me to steal.

My wonderful, fantastic, often-inappropriate-but-essentially-kind-hearted husband drove out to the big city and met me last night for a wonderful bike ride during a threatening storm that once again turned out to be all talk.  We rode for 15 miles, averaging about 12 mph.  There were no mountains on our route, so I didn't get to practice my newly learned techniques, but it was great nevertheless. I also got the great gift of coming home to a clean house.  I mean, spic 'n span, spit-shined, smells nice even without candles burning, clean.  It was such a wonderful treat, I'm going to treat my hubby back by electing NOT to show you the video I once captured of him narrating himself cleaning the kitchen sink as though he were Julia Child showing you how to quarter a duck. 

Aside: Why does nevertheless get to be one word, when it is clearly three, but other words, like ice cream and high school have to stay separated?  Thats racist.  

Aside: I understand that I've misused the word racist in the above aside.  I'm sorry if you're offended.  Send me a message, let me know, and I'll try to never do it again.  Otherwise, I'm going to assume that you don't mind me throwing it around into places it does not belong.  Kind of like how i do with my "Your Mom"s.  FTR: International students do not see the same humor in that as you & I do.  I would say Chinese students in particular, but then I would seem to be  making a racist statement, so I'll refrain.  Lets just say, personal experience.

Today, I plucked 1 Jalapeno, 2 hot banana peppers, 1 strange small yellow pepper (yes, thats the official name) and a baby bell pepper from my garden.  I also committed an atrocity against leaf lettuce and sent the Red's packing.  Things have been getting a little heated lately, and it was time for them to go.  No, really, thats why; its too hot for Red Leaf Lettuce.  I picked the premature bell pepper because I'm too tired to pay attention, apparently, and broke the plant in half with the hose while trying to water the as-yet-more-of-a-parasite-than-a-contributor zucchini plants.  I have also given up on keeping my potatoes covered, since they're clearly all going to grow up to be basketball players.  I don't know how I'm going to find shoes to fit all 9 of them.

Aside: Are you enjoying these re-caps?  If you'd like something more exciting (and really, who could blame you), please tell me.  Otherwise I'll think you're riveted to my every word, despite the fact that the number of hits to the site keeps dwindling every day.  I'm good at ignoring things.  But really, I understand that this is, again, lazy blogging, similar to lists.  In fact, its another list in disguise!  (Any one else feel like they should be shouting "there's the clue, blue!"?) But its what I've got today.   Sometimes I imagine that something inspiring will hit me while I'm writing.  Chances are not good.  

There have been some other exciting things going on, but I'm going to play a wisdom card and wait to tell you until stuff is more certain.  And no, its not babies.  No babies here, unless you bring one to visit, and if you do, you'd better take it when you leave.  Just layin' it out there.  But there may be some changes coming, and if so, I'll have plenty of new topics to blog about.  Things might be getting pretty excited around here.  Just.You.Wait.

Attempting to leave you hanging, 

TFW