So Many Feelings

Tomorrow starts some new things.  

Me being a teacher of record for the university (read: kind of a big deal!).  I've got 50 students all to myself.  It feels exciting and terrifying, but mostly exciting

Riley Girl's bag for daycare.
Same bag that I took with me to the hospital when I was in labor.
#fullcircle

RG going to daycare.  I've been saying I was good with this, I've been telling others (and myself) that I'm good with this, I've called it a "break" and "really only part time" and "a great social experience".  And then I packed my girl's bag tonight, and proceeded to bawl off and on for the next two hours.  Truth is: I don't want this.  I don't want my girl to spend her days with anyone other than me (and the occasional person who loves her, but not because they're paid to).  I don't want this, but its what we've got.  I have to finish my degree (my husband, several advisors, and trusted friends tell me so.  God hasn't disagreed with them).  And really, it isn't the fact that she's going to be at daycare that wrecks havoc on my mama heart; its the fact that she's not going to be with me.  So there's those feelings, too.

Handsome has a break.  Might be the first day in 6 months that I don't need him to be taking care of the baby, or spending time with me, and he doesn't have any work or class obligations.  Heck, probably longer than 6 months.  I don't even want to ask him what he's going to do, because I just want him to be able to enjoy that break.  I'm feeling pumped for him.

Oh, and tomorrow will be my first day walking on a broken middle toe, so that's new.  Because tonight, while Handsome & I were making brinner (breakfast for dinner), I dropped the cast iron skillet from countertop height, and it landed, handle down, on my middle toe.  That's got some serious feelings.  Except that it has very little feeling right now, as it is encased in ice.  Honestly, it didn't hurt right away, which was terrifying, because in my experience, that always means its a serious injury.

Luckily, God is teaching me how to not be controlled by my feelings.  Yes, I feel them, as two hours of crying and a (now) throbbing foot can attest to.  But just because you [I] feel something doesn't make it true.  And even if it is true, it doesn't have to control you [me].  Ever since being pregnant, where feelings go all haywire, I've started ignoring my feelings in the moment (except for happy - I feel that one every time it comes around).  Sadness, anger, frustration, all of the not-so-nice feelings.  I just ignore them for the moment, and come back to them later when my blood isn't running so hot, or when I'm a little better rested.  That way I can sift through them, picking out the parts that are true, the lessons that need to be learned, the behaviors that need to be addressed.  The rest of it, I can just chuck over the wall and not have it ruin my day.  

This girl makes me happy.

So now I'm done.  I'll think about these things tomorrow, in the light of a new morning, when nothing is as terrible as it seemed the night before.  Except maybe my toe - that might be worse.

<3 M.