When You've Got No Words

Happy new year, friends.

Its been so very quiet here, and so very quiet within me.  I know I wrote a few times in November, basically not at all in December, and I think its tied to several things.  The first is that finishing up your first semester as a professor and also needing to get 2 dozen custom leather purses out the door while preparing for Christmas and being 8 months pregnant is, well, a lot.  I think that might make anyone lose their capacity for creative words for a time.

But there's more.

See, this move to the Great North, its been hard.  I suppose someone who was into euphemizing would say that its been an "adjustment" and that it still was "adjusting".  But I'm low on words and so I'll just say that its hard, and its still hard.  RG seems to be fairing best of all, but blissful ignorance is the inalienable of the still-diapered set.  (And let's not talk about the whole "still diapered" thing, because we tried to potty train this week and now we're not and I don't want to talk about how its okay that its that way.  It is.  That is all.)

I could tell you reasons that its been hard.  I could fill this blog up day after day of the top 50 things I'm missing about SC in this moment.  I could strive and reach and really push myself to find things we like about living here.  But my pillow partner and I just spent hours doing that exact thing, and it doesn't leave me with any answers or feelings of relief, and so if you don't mind, I'll just skip that part.

The main problem is that right now, in the midst of this situation we are in, with the circumstances that we have, I'm having trouble finding not just my words, but my joy.  That peace that Jesus promised that reaches in and fills us up when it doesn't make any sense.  That's eluding me in this moment.  And so when there isn't peace to give me a solid foundation and there's not joy bubbling up to share, I don't really have words to go on this page.  

Now, I'd love to leave you something packaged and pretty, something that points at least to hope if to nothing else, but I'm not sure what that hope looks like.  I know its found in Christ, for He's the only one who knows best.  I know that He has promised that peace, that joy, that wisdom and so I know it'll come.  I know these are mostly feelings and even possibly fueled by pregnancy hormones (although that might mean that Handsome is pregnant too...), and I know that feelings are to be felt but not trusted.  I know these things.  But I don't know what shape my hope is coming in yet.

Truthfully, this is a bit of a bummer of a post.  And I'll likely drop by here in a day or two and throw an adorable picture of my toddler up on the front page, or a list of recipes I'm desperately trying to get made & frozen before baby #2 makes his/her appearance.  Because I know from past experience that letting a bummer post like this just sit on the "cover" is un-motivating.  But here's where I am, and here's where we are, and this is the reason for my radio silence.  

<3 M.