The 7 Stages of Wanting :: Baptist-Raised Edition

A friend told me once about her friend who, on the day of her wedding, kept exclaiming "How am I even supposed to feel right now!?!"  I'm feeling that.  Whatever it is.  Whatever the feeling is when you've got excitement and hope and expectation and a lack of courage and nervousness and fight-or-flight and fear and a tinge of apathy.  All of the feelings.  A great & many feelings, if you will.  

There's nothing big going on, but Handsome and I keep having conversations about what we're going to do in the future, when I graduate, when there seems like there should be a job.  Which job?  Any job?  No job?  Job up home?  Job in a new place?  Job with a guy named Job?  <Did that happen to anyone else while reading that?  The word "job" started to look like the guy named "Job"?>

There's all of these questions and I WANT.  I want an answer.  I want to know.  I want to be let in on the secret that is the rest of my life.  Gah, I just want to know the next big step.  I keep looking at Handsome, as we have these conversations, and asking him if everyone else feels like this at this stage of life.  Does anyone anywhere feel settled?  I want to feel settled.  He says everyone else is just as unsettled as we are, and that he's done talking about any of it and we're finished having this same conversation over and over and I have to finish my PhD but then he just. doesn't. care.  He wants some radio silence on this one.  

In case you haven't been around for any of my quarterly life crises in the past, here's the boiled down, maple syrup version.  In first place, for choices of "what to do with our lives in the future" we'd like to move back around family, and have jobs.  That last part is really the kicker.  In second place, we'd like to live where we are, let Handsome retire at 50, enjoy the southern life, raise cows on our friend's farm, and me have a job, too.  Again, the job thing.  Bah.  In a very very very far removed third choice, I would get a job and we'd move somewhere new and start over again.  Like, not even something we'd like.  To compare it, we've got Andre the Giant in first place, Michael Jordan in second place, and the King of Munchkin Land in third.

Today I heard a whisper about a maybe possible might-happen-but-might-not next step, and it made my heart leap and my hands get sweaty.  I think I want it.  And then I descended into the 7 Stages of Wanting.

Stage 1-  Attraction.  This involves no thinking.  It's a gut reaction.  It's the reason I've bought waaaay too many bags of Cadbury Mini Eggs.  See/hear > want > take.  Toddlers do this all the time; they don't get past this stage. But we're bigger than toddlers, so we get more stages.  And more chocolate eggs.  Praise be.

Stage 2-  Prayer.  C'mon.  I was raised a good little Baptist.  As soon as you want something, you start praying about it.  Fervently.  Sans ceasing.  Like rapid fire on Heaven's door.  From my lips to God's ear.  Eventually, coherent prayers lapse into "PleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGodPlease".  Finished, as always, with a "if it's Your will."  This pronouncement is the springboard by which we launch ourselves into Stage 3.

Stage 3 - Doubt.  A.K.A. uncertainty, wavering, and motive exploration.  "Perhaps I want this because I'm selfish." was the first one, followed quickly by "This still might not be the thing that God has planned for me." If you're not careful, you can spiral down this staircase into all different types of doubting, ending you up at places like "Why was I born in the first place" and "What have I even done with my life".  This is the gateway doubt.  Next thing you know, you wonder if you're really even seeing colors correctly.  But I digress.  Stage 3 doubting is where you question if the thing you're wanting is even worth wanting, if it's right to want it.  But then you rally.  

Stage 4 - Affirmation.  You've been through the doubting stage, you've examined your motives and you know what?  They're sound.  They're not totally self-serving, although you do want the thing you want because it seems best to you.  And it makes your heart jump and your palms sweat.  And it's not contrary to any scripture and it is something you've been praying about and hoping for an answer to.  Mr. Thurman would approve, you know that much.  

Stage 5 - Rabidity.  You want, and you're sure its okay to want it.  And so now, you want it with a vengeance never seen before with the eyes of man.  You want it like crazy and you feel you must convey that to Omnipresent God with repeated prayers, thoughts, chatting, dreaming, pleading, bargaining, and begging.  Because otherwise, He wouldn't know how much you want it.  And if God doesn't know how much you want it, you might not get it.  

Stage 6 - Realization.  You realize quite a few things in Stage 6.  Things like the fact that God. already. knows.  He knows how much you want it.  He does.  And yes, He understands that you are excited and nervous and scared and apathetic (as a defense) and that you're feeling all of the feelings.  And you realize that no amount of wanting is going to make it so.  Yes, you should work towards it, but spending all of your energy on the wanting will leave you with precious little for the doing.  Finally, you realize that its not up to you.

Stage 7 - Release.  This stage has also been called "Remembering".  You remember that God's got it under control.  All of those burning questions you have, that uncertainty you're nurturing like a pet rabbit?  God has already seen the day when all of your questions are answered.  He goes before you.  So go ahead, have a bit of want, but don't make the thing you want into an idol by meditating on it and using all of your energy to achieve it.  Release it to go and be the little opportunity it was always meant to be.  At this point, you still pray about it, but that little ending you tacked on earlier, now you mean it.  "Your will be done" or the Southern version, "God willing and the creek don't rise."  That's the focus after Stage 7.  And there is peace.

Trust me, I've wanted many a thing.  Assuming I make it past Stage 1, I mostly hang out in Stage 5.  In my more lucid moments, I dabble with Stage 6.  I'd love to be in Stage 7; I fight towards that.  

Speaking of wanting.
RG wants to walk, but she's pretty much hanging out in Stage 1.
Such a toddler.

Good night, sweet friends.  One way to silence the wanting is to sleep it away, and that's my plan.  Perhaps in the morning, re-strengthened, I'll be better able to make my way towards Stage 7 - God willing.

<3 M.

I Do What I Want

Let me start by saying, I'm very intrinsically motivated.  That's the word the teachers used to describe me when I was in grade school.  If I had been loud about it, or rude, they would have called me "strong willed" or "non compliant".  But I wasn't.  I was shy (I know, right??), respectful, conscientious, and always made sure to get done what they had assigned me before I did what I wanted.  But be sure - I did what I wanted.  It just so happened that "what I wanted" was more of the "coloring extra pages" and "reading historical novels" and "practicing long division" (I'm learning to, as I like to call, to own it) and less of the loud rowdiness that usually accompanies a strong-willed child.  

I always thought I was simply an obedient child.  And I was.  But looking at it now, probably in more detail than one's childhood is ever meant to be examined, I did what I was told, quickly, and then went back to doing what I wanted.  Mom says "I need you to do the dishes"?  I rushed down, did them right away, asked if there was any more, and then back upstairs to read my book or play on my gameboy.  As some of my siblings taught me, the less I fought and the more I did what I was asked, the sooner I could do what I wanted.  I also love my mom to the flippin' moon, and liked to make her happy.  But still, we're taking an un-impassioned view on things here.

Fast forward 20 years.  I'm here, about to leave what is just another conference in the string of conferences I've gone to and will continue to go to.  But I'm having an end-of-bible-camp feeling, a come-to-Jesus moment, if you will.  Are you ready for this?  I want to write it down and then fling it to the outer-interwebs, so that, unlike the way the bible-camp fervor dies down as weeks pass (I'm talking the hype, not the life-changing Good News), this feeling will Stay.  Stick.  Remain.  Do the opposite of fade.

When I Grow Up

I said recently that I didn't know why I was doing that thing I do.  You know, school, school, and more school.  Something else I know, is that the easy part of decision making is deciding what's wrong, or what isn't a good idea.  The hard part comes in when we try and come up with alternatives.

TCoTFW: I actually proposed a research project focusing on the different types of cognitive reasoning and how to produce the most understanding in students with all the different types of questions.  It was all good until I decided that teaching high school is not for me.  In no small part due to the fact that high school should be a compound word, in my opinion.

So, since I'm slightly less than thrilled about this current course of action (no doubt brought to the limelight by the fact that I'm entering yet another semester, and people keep asking, "How many years left?" and "What are you going to do when you're done?" and I don't have answers to either question.  "Quite a few." and "Who knows" are my answers right now.) I decided to entertain some alternatives.

By This Point

Prepare yourself.  Ready yourself.  I'm waxing contemplative.  

I'm also wearing 5 shirts right now.  Just so you know.

I saw a some-e-cards today that paralleled what I was already thinking on.  Something to the effect of "When I was younger, I thought I'd have it all together by now."  I so don't have it all together right now.  Do you?  I'll be 26 this month, and while I know that's not old, I'm nowhere near where my 16-year-old self thought I'd be.

Ah... 16... I'm sure I remember it more fondly than I lived it, but that's the luxury of memories.  I'm sure 16-year-old me thought that by 26 (26!) I would definitely not still be doing homework on a Thursday night.  I wasn't going to still be in school.  I wasn't going to be concerned about money, not even a little bit.  I'm pretty sure I thought I'd have a nice steady job, probably teaching.  My husband would have a nice, well-paying job that allowed us to vacation twice a year.  We'd have kids by now.  I mean, c'mon, 26?! (I'm saying this to myself, mostly sarcastically).  Yeah, 16-year-old me would definitely think that 26-year-old me was messing things up.

I can hear 16-year-old me asking 26-year-old me, what about the good things in life?  Why are you pushing yourself so much, when you don't even know if you love where it'll get you?  And honestly, 26-year-old me is asking, "Yeah, why am I doing that?"

And tonight, I've got no idea.

Happy Un-birthday to me (and you!),

TFW

SYKE! p.s.- I'm mercurial

I got you guys real good.

Whats that?  You never believed me?  You knew you were irresistible and I would be unable to stay away from you?  You're so smart.

Ok.  Enough about you.  You don't come here to hear about yourself.  You come here to hear about me, right?

Right?

Is this thing on?

I am mercurial, easily shifted and prone to change.  One of my favorite hymns (Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing) ends like this:

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

Go?

I've got a bunch of thoughts swirling around.  I'm about to unload them here.  So if you'd rather escape the mess and wait for a post about something funny and inappropriate, I'm gonna suggest you leave off here and come back another day.

Proctor Doctor

I'm proctoring (fancy word for "overseeing test-takers to make sure they don't cheat on...") my last exam as a Mathematical Sciences Teaching Assistant right now.  Yep.  RIGHT NOW.  Its happening, in the very room where I sit.  While these young'uns sweat and scratch their heads and chew their pencils, they have the melodious sound of my typing (which, according to Mavis Beacon, is around 78 wpm) to lull them into mathematical understanding.

This semester has really been a joy.  They've been funny kids, hard-working kids, reasonably-intelligent kids.  Heck, I'd even call some of them smart.  They've been polite and inquisitive.  

Really, its just been a joy.

Last semester, not so much.  

But thats sad, and possibly incriminating, so I'm going to gloss over it.

Its weird to think that I've taught these kids what they're currently being tested on.  

About 4 semesters ago, it really hit me the first time my first class walked into their first test: I'm the only one who taught them, and now their academic careers depend on my words.  

I'd "assisted" with teaching before, but never had my own class.  Its kind of shocking, that I would be allowed to have so much sway over the future of these students.  

Teaching has been a real experience.  I feel as though I've gotten a pretty good feel for what it is to teach at the college level.  And that is part of my maybe-someday-plan; I might become a professor.  I'm not 100% sold on the idea, because I've seen how much time goes into it, and I've had the students who don't want to learn and all that jazz.  But overall, I think I like it.  Maybe.

This summer, I've taken an internship with a large company in Greenville, SC.  Its a real job, like, fo reals, its a job.  Its got everything that a real job has: long hours, a long commute, rush-hour, a water cooler, name badges, and files.  I think I might even earn a little paid vacation time, which I've never had in my life.

Can we take a moment to examine that?  I'm 25 years old.  Thats definitely adult age.  And I've never had a real job.  I've had summer jobs serving opportunities with Americorps, I've had work-study jobs at my undergrad, I've worked for my grandparents, I've babysat and cut lawns.  But a real job, a more-than-minimum-wage-job, nope.  Never.  I get paid right now while I'm in school, but its basically a work-study position, and when you factor out the time spent vs. the bi-weekly pay stubs, its just depressing.

This summer, though, I am taking the world by storm.  I'm gonna have me a real job.  The goal of this job (other than to make money money make money money ay!) is to experience a real job.  Everyone wants to know what I want to do when I get growed up.  Seriously, the guy who interviewed me for the internship asked me that and I told him the truth; last week, I wanted to run a fruit stand, and this week I wanted to open a bakery.  Honestly, I think he thought both were good ideas.

Hopefully though, this job gives me some perspective on what life is like outside of a college campus.  I'm a little concerned with needing to leave my house looking like business at 6:30 in the AM but I figure people do it every day and live to tell about it; so can I, too.  And I'm a little nervous about the usual things: will they like me, who will I sit with at lunch, what if I choke on water while talking to someone (not that I did that at my interview or anything... nope, 'cause I'm a cook cat, yep.), etc.  You know, the usuals.  But overall, I'm hopeful for the epiphanies it may bring with regards to my future.  And if not, at least I'll earn vacation time and make more than minimum wage.  Which is not too shabby either.

So, as I end (as soon as I turn in my last project, or Sunday night, whichever comes first) my final year in the Mathematical Sciences Department and head out into a summer of uncomfortable shoes and new experiences, do you have any suggestions?  Should I take baked goods into the office, thereby buying new friends with sugar and butter?  I mean, its really worked for me so far... Or should I get some special music for my commute (45 min on a good day)?  Or should I be sure to not wear stripes with floral (neither of which I think I own...)?  Any wisdom you've got is much appreciated.

Oh, and I need a dog-sitter for 2-3 days a week, end of June through early August.  

Any takers?

Growing up, just a little,

TFW

Hot Cakes

I know.  With me, its food food food, all the time.

Hi, I'm glad we could meet.

But tonight its a little more than food.  Because I'm back on my "what is the destiny of my life" kick.  Perhaps its just too much time on my hands, or perhaps its just boredom.  Or, perhaps its a change stirring deep within me, struggling to prevail against the here and now.  Or maybe thats the fabulous pasta I had for dinner.

I Have Found Her, She's an Angel!

I found her!  I found her I found her I found her!!

This may not make as much sense to you as it does to me, so I won't keep you in suspense.  I found the cinnamon roll recipe that will change my life.  I adapted it from The Pioneer Woman's recipes here and here, and its AMAZING.

"her" that I found

With this cinnamon roll recipe, I can change the world.  Or at least, I can become that woman that I want to be.   And what woman is that, you ask?  I'll tell you.

Pasta and Petulance

Although that amazing title should maybe be saved for a more amazing post, its only gonna get what I'm about to write.  And what I'm about to write is not amazing, or earth shattering, or even especially happy.  My apologies, but its raining here, and while I like the rain, it does lend one to melancholy.  

not my picture.  got it from google.